The Voices in My Head

I hate the wind. I really do. I’ve only discovered two truly good uses for it…and those would be sailing ships and flying kites. I don’t have a ship…or an ocean to sail it in, and I haven’t flown a kite in a few years. I really should do that sometime soon…Anyways, other than that, wind has no good purpose. If you want to throw a Frisbee around, then the wind chooses that day or afternoon to show up. It will ruin any self-respecting big-haired Texan’s hair day, and if the wind is blowing and you’re outside it will single-handedly make your voice hoarse because you have to yell over it. Wind blows dirt, and dirt gets in eyes.
The other day the wind decided to blow 70 mph. Which isn’t that surprising in New Mexico. This particular wind decided to blow over a power-pole which left all of Capitan and the surrounding area, Lone Tree included, without power. Which is pretty lame, but its not that bad. What’s really bad is when that same electrified power-line touches dead grass causes fire. Wind plus fire is bad…wind plus anything is bad, but we covered that already. Anyways, camp life was a little bit stressed the other day as we watched the fire spread and wondered if we’d have to cancel our groups and prayed for the power to come back on so our refrigerators would come back on so that our food would stay nice. We like nice food. So, as I established above: Nothing good comes from the wind.
I just remember climbing the stairs to the top of the water-slide to see if I could catch a glimpse of the flames in the distance and praying…and that’s when I had an interesting thought:
My current circumstances felt familiar…as if it had been lived out before. In fact I was pretty sure that it had happened before.
There was this guy named Elijah…him and God were pretty tight. And one time God tells Elijah that he is going to pass by. So Elijah goes up on a mountain to wait for God to show up when a massive wind tears through the mountain, ripping rocks and trees up. After the wind there was an earthquake to thoroughly dislodge any rocks not torn up by the wind already…and finally a fire passed through leaving nothing left in its wake but Elijah to see what would come next. I can imagine the scene now…looking something like an atomic bomb had been set off. Broken boulders blackened by fire and trees poking up all around the landscape, their charred remains looking like skeletons in a graveyard. I can imagine the silence that followed…deafening and threatening. Elijah’s every breath must have been caught in his throat as he waited for what would come next…and then…a whisper came…and it drew Elijah from the crevice he’d been hiding in.
As I stood at the top of the water-slide being slammed by the winds and still only able to smell the smoke from the fire, I realized that perhaps I was experiencing a little of what Elijah did…and that’s when I felt rather than heard the whisper. It was God saying, “I’ve got it all under control.” When I went back downstairs I began to feel that it was true. I walked back to the office and called the electric company and they informed me that the power would be back on at 6. They also said that the fire had been contained and all was well. God knows what He’s doing. Its beautiful to think that God can whisper assurance and comfort to His loved ones. He is gentle and kind….
That’s when I started really thinking: What does God’s voice really sound like? If Elijah’s encounter has anything to say about it I think that perhaps we could say that God’s voice is a whisper. I like that. No matter what is happening He is there to whisper His comfort to us. Though the wind may blow, the earth may shake, and the fires rage…and the power goes out, He is there to remind us that He loves us and that He is in control.
But that’s not all God’s voice sounds like. Genesis attests to that. When God speaks, stuff happens. I really like the way Louie Giglio puts it…and this is a very rough quote, but he once said, “I don’t like it when people say they wish they could have been there at the moment of creation,” the background behind him had a close-up shot of the surface of the sun, “…because THAT--” he pointed behind him, “is what came out of His mouth when He said, ’Let there be light.’”
And its true. It says in Isaiah 55 “…my word that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty.” Sometimes God’s voice is violent and destructive. Psalm 29 talks about His voice thundering and tearing up trees and clearing forests. God isn’t any pushover.
There’s this movie called, “Dogma.” I can’t claim to remember a whole lot about the movie other than its not really Biblically correct and it’s a little (a lot) inappropriate. One thing does stick out about the movie that I find very intriguing…
In the movie there are two rebellious angels that are running around causing a ruckus, so God shows up to lay down the punishment. Now, in the movie God is a woman…which is not how HE is portrayed in the Bible…nothing against women (you’re beautiful). However, God has a messenger speak for Him, and the messenger is relaying all the charges against the angels, and the list is lengthy. Then the punishment is explained: God will speak. The two angels quivered in fear and everyone else around gasped and covered their ears (minus the two angels receiving said punishment). Then God spoke, and the two angels blew up. Literally. It was gross. The point being that God is beyond comprehension and He is powerful. When He speaks, stuff happens.
I can’t honestly claim to know all that God says or understand it…But I think that perhaps God isn’t so different from us…or more accurately, we are more like Him than we realize. They say that body language and facial expression is 90% of communication and speaking is the remaining 10%. I think that this is kind of true with God as well.
I think that God spoke loudest about 2,000 years ago. I think that the action of coming to earth in the form of Jesus Christ is really saying something. And I think that when He washed the disciple’s feet He was saying something. When He cried because of His friend Lazarus He was saying something. When He fed the 5,000 He was saying something. When He stood silently before Herod He was saying something. When He didn’t stop Pontius Pilate from condemning Him, He was saying something. When He was nailed to the cross He was saying something…the message was loud and clear…He was saying, “I love you. All of you.”
I’m sort of bad at listening. I tend to listen to myself more than anything else…but as I continue to try and follow God, His voice keeps echoing in my head over and over again. “I love you.”…I don’t understand much…but I do understand that, and I am trying to listen closer. And as I listen I‘m praying…and this is my prayer: “Speak, for your servant is listening” (1 Samuel 3:10) Amen.

I've Been Thinking: Sling-shots, Snow-horses, & Jealousy

So I’ve been thinking a lot…and if anyone who really knows me reads this, they will know that that is a very dangerous thing. For instance…at one point in time I thought it would be good to let my friend Mike Stetter sling-shot me off of a slack line. At first only Mike pulled me back as I sat on the webbing strung between two trees, only to release me and have me flip and land softly on my back in the grass just below where I was sitting. Before I knew it I was balancing on the slack line with 10+ people pulling back as a leaned forward, waiting to be shot forward into the back yard. What really happened was I went faster and flipped faster and landed on my head faster than before and hurt my back. So…as that scenario clearly demonstrates, it is sometimes bad when I begin to think.
But really I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. About what I want to do in life. About who I want to be in life. It is no secret that I love God. At least I hope its not something hidden from view…so if you happen to be reading this and didn’t know that, then I’m telling you right now, “I love Jesus Christ. Aaaaaamen.” It is also no secret that I’m more than a little ridiculous. I am 22 years old and I work at Lone Tree Ranch in the Capitan mountains, and my main job is to entertain kids and tell them about Jesus. I have on more than one occasion worn a heart suit and run around hugging people, asking them if they can “feel the love,”, just to entertain kids and make them laugh at me. Some people would say that I’m slightly obsessed and strangely good at impersonations…I’ve been known to wear Captain Jack Sparrow outfits and Ninja Turtle costumes…if you don’t believe me go to Youtube and search for “AWCJnew.avi”. That first result is definitely me.
I am by no means old…and I really don’t feel that there is any specific age that a person has to try and “be mature,” but I am 22 and I am beginning to think that perhaps there needs to be something more behind my carefree ridiculousness than the ability to make kids laugh…I feel the need and desire to…have my stuff together.
At the same exact moment I am not saying that I’m will stop being ridiculous…Its too much fun to make kids laugh at my ridiculous behavior and seeming lack of the ability to be embarrassed…and I’m good at it. I sometimes tell people that I relate better with the mid-highers than I do with people my own age…I definitely feel like God has gifted me with this. I know where my heart lies.

I feel as if I’ve been rambling thus far…what I would like to explain is what specifically I’ve learned and been thinking about lately.
This past weekend an amazing friend of mine came to visit…we were going to go on an epic overnight horse ride and be hardcore, but it snowed like Christmas morning, leaving all of our manly hardcore adventures frozen under the snow. My friend, Forrest Powell, is probably one of the most legit people you’ll ever meet. To describe him I’d have to say that he is a jack of all trades. Since he graduated high school he has gone to 4 different colleges and changed his major 3 times. If I ever need a crime-fighting, horse wrangling, bull bucking, number crunching, fire fighting, EMT welder, then Forrest is my man.
After our horse riding adventure was buried in the snow we had a lot of time to catch up on life and discuss how God has been growing in our lives…and it turns out that both of us have gone through painful girl trouble in the past couple of months…here is the revelation that Forrest learned and shared with me as told in my words:

I think there’s something to the wedding analogy given by God. We are to be the bride of Christ and he is to be our bridegroom…I’ve always had a tough time understanding that analogy because…well because I’m a dude…and if I ever dream about being a bride it’s a very strange dream indeed. But if you think about it God is just trying to explain to us what being with Christ is like. The anticipation of the wedding day…the white dress, the music, the celebration…the cake.
It makes sense if you’ve ever cared about someone in a romantic fashion. That gooey gooshy warm fuzzy feeling you get when they’re around. The thought of seeing that person brightens your entire day…Now when I think about Christ, I don’t have exactly that same desire…its not like I want to crawl in his lap and rub his beard while staring longingly into His eyes…but I do want to be around Him…and I do long to see and talk to Him. No beard rubbing, but deep connection…yes.
Here’s where it all comes together for both myself and Forrest. There’s a story in Exodus chapter 32 where Moses is up on the mountain getting the 10 Commandments… and he’s been up there for a while. Meanwhile down at the bottom of the mountain the Israelites are…being bad. In the 40 days that Moses has been away the Israelites have melted down all of their gold jewelry and made a golden cow statue to worship…a cow. I mean…it’s a cow…and if you’re going to make an idol why not make something cool…like an eagle…or a Tasmanian devil or something? Anyways, Moses comes down from the mountain and kicks butt. He throws down the tablets in his anger, has the cow melted and then ground down, and then he throws the gold into the water and makes the people drink it. And usually I just shake my head at that part…make them drink the gold? Sounds like something people do on MTV Cribs…but it turns out that the reason for the drinking gold is in Numbers chapter 5...and it’s the test to see if a woman has cheated on her husband. If she drinks the water and her leg swells up then she’s adulterous…if not then she just got a rich diet…After finding that out it makes a little sense…let me tie it all together.
We have a jealous God. He wants us and only us. He doesn’t want to share…and to be honest I don’t blame Him. Forrest and I both were recently in relationships…we won’t name names…but in both our cases the female party moved on rather quick…and we felt slightly betrayed…and more than a little jealous.
Here’s where Forrest’s knowledge comes into play. It clicked in his head at this point that the rejection and sadness we feel at that sort of turn of events is what God must feel like every time we put our trust in anything other than him…and I make fun of the golden cow that the Israelites made, but the things that I run to are more laughable: Sleep, girls, video games, TV shows…and to think that God takes us back and says to us, “As far as the east is from the west, that is how far your transgressions are removed.” He takes us back, wipes off the dirt, and then embraces us anew. Every. Time…and so we come to a crossroad of sorts…we are called to love like Christ loves. We are told to do what He does…and to be honest, neither one of us knows if we can forgive like that. We are by no means God…and we are by no means supposed to be little pansies and take abuse from others…but really? I don’t know if I could accept back certain individuals even with a sincere apology.
I don’t know…Its something that I’m working on…God is working on. Its spurring me on to, “get my stuff together,” and follow God closer. I want to be responsible. I want to grow up a little bit. I want to forgive those who have wronged me as I have wronged God. I want to stop building golden cows and worship the one true God.
I want to show others the love He has lavished upon me.

Stars and Yokes and Jesus

I’ve been in a bit of a slump. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I haven’t seen many people for the last couple of weeks (secluding yourself in the mountains will do that) or what…but I’ve felt it like a weight.
If I’m honest I have no reason to feel this way…no reason to feel this weight. Nothing tragic has happened. I’m getting plenty of sleep. My job isn’t stressing me out…I work at a camp and I get to talk about Jesus on a daily basis…did I mention I work at a camp? Its my job to hang out with kids, think of ways to entertain kids, think about Jesus, and tell kids about Jesus…Things are pretty good actually. But I still feel down…and I know that I’m sounding slightly emo right now but I assure you that I’ve figured this out to an extent. Let me explain:
I’m tired. I know that sounds contradictory considering I mentioned already that I’m getting plenty of sleep. But the fact is I’m tired and weary. Since I’ve been out here at camp God has blessed me in more ways that I can count…I feel like Abraham actually. God called him outside and told him to, “Look up at the heavens and count the stars--if indeed you can count them. So shall your offspring be.” (Genesis 15:5) I don’t think God is promising either Abraham or myself LITERAL offspring here. I believe that God’s promise is fulfilled to Abraham through Christ who IS genetically related to Abe, but it is through Christ that we all become heirs of the Promise, thus giving good ole Father Abraham children as many as the stars…anyhow, I feel like Abraham in that every time I look at the stars (which are radically clear in the middle of the mountains) I realize just how blessed I really am. The problem is sometimes it gets cloudy outside and I forget how many stars there really are. They don’t seem to exist when the clouds get in the way.
I’ve let something get in the way of my view…and quite honestly I’m still figuring out what that is…maybe its my lack of communication with the outside world (despite what they would have you believe, Facebook and texting don’t cut it). Or maybe its my own pride? How exactly I’m not sure. I know that I haven’t been praying as much recently. Maybe I’m trying too hard to be self-reliant…? Your guess is probably just as good as mine.
But, God is good and God is faithful and He gave me a song to listen to…and I must admit that I cried a little when listening and that’s what spurred me to post this blog…it’s by Thrice and the lyrics are almost all straight up scripture…

Here are the lyrics:
Come all you weary with your heavy loads
Lay down your burdens find rest for your souls
Cause my yoke is easy and my burden is kind
I’ll take yours upon me and you can take mine

Come all you weary move through the earth
You've been spurned at fine restaurants and kicked out of church
Got a couple of loaves sit down at my feet
Lend me your ears and we'll break bread and eat

Come all you weary
Come gather round near me
Find rest for your souls

Come all you weary, you cripples you lame
I’ll help you along you can lay down your canes
We’ve got a long way to go but we’ll travel as friends
The lights growing bright further on further in

Come all you weary
Come gather round near me
Find rest for your souls

Rest for your souls

Come all you weary
Come gather round near me
Find rest for your souls

Rest for your souls

Even better than that, here's the song itself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzNSaxZqw24
....well it's the link...you should check it out.

Even better than THAT, here’s what Jesus said:

Matthew 11:29–30 (ESV)
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

So maybe…maybe I just need to take a chill pill. Perhaps a little spiritual Sabbath is needed. Maybe I’m too hard on myself. I don’t know…but I’m praying that God will take a breath and blow away the clouds and let me see the stars again. Either way, God is Good. Either way His love has covered me.